When a teenager is struggling, a factor that is often cited as a source of the problem is low self-esteem. What exactly do we mean when we say self-esteem?  Basically, I think we mean that the person really feels good about who they are and has a lot of positive self thoughts.  I don’t know about you, but frankly I don’t know anyone who really feels this way and if they do, they probably suffer from some sort of personality or psychological disorder.  You are probably thinking to yourself right now, “But, I thought we are supposed to feel this way,” or “I know plenty of positive people.” Well, let me explain a little more about what I mean.

First of all, I think we need to reexamine our goal.  Is it really a good idea to have the goal to feel good all the time?  If so, then why don’t we all do what makes us feel good. We can stay home and do our favorite things, no more work, or visiting family and friends that drive us crazy, etc.  Personally, I would love to spend my time poolside reading.  That would definitely make me feel good. I can think of quite a few people who would, and some do, choose to turn to recreational drugs or alcohol to make them feel good.  Is there anything wrong with this? Maybe not in small doses (except for breaking any laws, such as illegal drug use), but if we make it our priority to feel good, then we can easily be led astray.  This leads to the second problem with this approach; it can actually be a good thing to have negative thoughts and feelings, even about our self.

Our negative thoughts and feelings are warnings about danger.  When the danger is real, it is a very good thing to have negative thoughts and feelings.  The problem is identifying when the danger is real or when it is created by our mind.  Attempting to always feel good, actually results in making the most mistakes.  Why? Because, our mind tricks us the most when we are afraid of something and it is actually the fear of fear that keeps us from doing what we want to do to live a fulfilling life. Here are some examples that your child might experience: I didn’t talk to that kid because I was afraid he wouldn’t like me. I didn’t do my best on that homework assignment because I was afraid I would fail. I stole the lipstick because I was afraid they wouldn’t like me. Imagine all the things you did or did not do because you were afraid of (fill in the blank).  Now, again, there are times when it is good to be afraid and we should avoid those situations.  But, we struggle and suffer when we continue to avoid doing things in life that would make our life more fulfilling because we afraid to feel bad or because we are listening to and buying into negative thoughts.

The third problem with focusing on feeling good and having positive thoughts is that we actually end up having more of a problem when we try to change them. What would happen if I told you to not think of pizza for the rest of the day?  Well, first of all I just made you think of pizza, so you already lost the game. Then, for the rest of the day, you are very likely to think of pizza substantially more times than if you were not trying to avoid it. Thoughts are more likely to increase if we try to avoid, suppress, or change them.  The same is true of emotions. If you tell yourself it’s not okay to feel anxious and then try to do things to avoid feeling anxious, the amount of anxiety increases because now you’re feeling anxious about feeling anxious.  With all this stuff going on, it really is amazing that we all aren’t completely crazy by now. 

So, how do you teach your child to have high self-esteem? Generally, the idea is to teach your child to feel good about his self and to have positive self thoughts.   But, we just learned that trying to change thoughts and emotions can actually make the problem worse, so what do we do?

• The first step is to change the focus from feeling good to looking at behavior. Is your child behaving in ways that will lead to a fulfilling life? That means identifying his values and identifying behaviors that would align with his values. By values, I mean things such as education, family, health, spirituality. For each category, find out what that means to your child and then work with your child to identify what behaviors reflect those values.
• The second step is teaching your child to cope with negative thoughts and feelings in an effective manner. Teach your child to identify danger versus no danger by examining whether or not the reaction or behavior is aligned with his values identified in the first step. Because our mind is so good at tricking us, we can’t rely on whether or not it makes us feel good, we have to assess the situation and decide which response fits in with our values. Then, I recommend mindfulness training to teach your child to respond to negative thoughts and emotions.

Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life, by S. C. Hayes & S. Smith

• The third step is to focus on teaching your child the connection between his behavior and the consequences, especially delayed consequences because those are harder to detect. For example, provide your child with praise for choosing behaviors that fit into his values and point out the connection between what he did and how that resulted in something he values. It may even be necessary to provide more immediate rewards for choosing to engage in the right behaviors when the natural consequence is delayed.