By Heidi Eilers, Ph.D, B.C.B.A-D

Parents deliver instructions to children repeatedly throughout the day.  So much so, most parents are surprised to find out how hard it is to play with their child for five minutes without directing them to do something. It’s usually not a surprise to find out that children are only listening and obeying about half the instructions parents are giving them. One of the first steps toward gaining compliance with your child is simply to stop giving them so many instructions.  Stop and think before you give instructions and decide if you really have the time to follow through and make sure that your child obeys. 

Once you have decided that this is the appropriate time to give an instruction, the next step is to examine the task you want done and break it down into steps that your child is capable of completing independently.  For example, telling a two year old to clean his room is not likely to happen.  On the other hand, telling a two year old to put one item at a time into the toy box is something a small child can accomplish. 

Next, you need to go to the child, get down to his level, remove any distractions (e.g., turn the T.V. down or off, put his toys down), get his attention, and then deliver the instruction using a calm voice.  If he complies, provide descriptive praise (e.g., “Thank you, for putting away your blocks).  If he does not comply, wait a few seconds and repeat the instruction in the same calm voice and offer a little prompt, like pointing in the direction you want him to perform the task. 

Do not continuously repeat the instruction, count, give warnings, threats, or get distracted by other behaviors your child may do during this time. For example, if your child throws the item, ignore it, and follow through with this compliance procedure. Children will engage in disruptive behavior when you are giving them a instruction as a way to get you distracted, so the best way to respond is to ignore it and stay focused on the instruction you are giving.

Again, if he complies, provide descriptive praise.  If he does not comply, wait a few seconds, repeat the instruction in the same calm voice, and physically guide him through the task (e.g., place your hand over your child’s hand, pick up the toy and place it in the toy box).  Obviously, this third step can only be used with small children, so if you are using this procedure with older children use an alternative discipline plan.  For example, he can have a favorite item taken away if he does not comply on the third attempt. Another alternative would be to implement the chore-based grounding procedure, in which his privileges are restricted until he completes the current task and the additional chore assigned to him for noncompliance.  Whichever road you decide to take, you will still provide descriptive praise following the completion of the task. Yes, you will still provide praise even if you have to physically guide your child to do the task or some other discipline procedure. 

Although, you will be providing praise during all 3 steps, you will provide a different level of praise to make a distinction.  If your child complies after the first request, you will provide a high intensity level of praise (go crazy, dance around, and act silly).  After the second request, tone it down a bit, still show your appreciation, but obviously it’s not exactly what you want, so it won’t be as great and as big as the first one.  If you have to go to the third request, your level of praise will be mild. You still want to show your appreciation that they completed the task, but keep it simple and mild. A simple thank you will suffice.  Keep in mind that your praise should be age appropriate too.  Dancing around and acting silly is great for small children, but most older kids probably won’t appreciate their parent acting like a goof, so you will need to make the type of praise something that your child would appreciate.

A few tips about types of commands:

Do

• Give one command at a time
• Break down tasks into small parts (even for older children). Children are more likely to do something if it’s easier
• Describe the exact behavior or task you expect to be done
• Use affirmative commands. If your child is engaging in an inappropriate behavior, tell him what you want him to do instead. Ex: “Put your hands in your lap” as opposed to “Stop hitting your sister”
• Use a calm voice every time you give the command (if you get louder each time, you will teach your child to only listen when you are yelling)

Don’t

• Give multiple commands or chain commands. Ex: “Put that away and come here”
• Use questions when giving a command. Ex: “Will you put that down?”
• Give rationales when giving a command. Ex: “Clean up your room so that the house looks nice for our guests tonight
• Use Let’s commands when you really intend for the child to do it alone: Ex: “Let’s clean up your room”
• Use vague commands. Ex: “Be good”
• Use negative commands: “Don’t jump on the couch”

Troubleshooting:

It is human nature to want to predict and control the environment. Some days, children will fight to have this control more than others. Here are some troubleshooting strategies that may help avoid getting into a power struggle with your child:

1.    Try to avoid giving instructions so that you do not end up in a power struggle

2.     If you do need him to comply, for example, you need him to get dressed so that you can leave the house, try having him do some fun and easy tasks first. Give him instructions to make silly faces or play games that he likes. Provide a lot of praise for compliance and maybe even an extra little treat.  If it works, keep going for awhile, then slip in the command to do the task he doesn’t want or like to do. If it doesn’t work, walk away and ignore him for a few minutes. Continue to go on with you routine as if you don’t even notice he is fussing, pouting, or being moody.  You can try again a little later.

3.    Try making him feel like he has control by letting him make some of the decisions. For example, you can let him decide the order you will get ready or what he is going to wear that day. Whatever you can do to make him feel like he has some control in the situation.