Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty.  To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.  ~Bertrand Russell

When confronted with the news of tragedy like the recent Arizona shootings, it is natural to feel overwhelmed with painful feelings.  We feel sorrow for the victims, their families, and their tremendous loss.  It also triggers many of our own fears.  What if this happened to my loved ones, my child, my spouse, my co-workers, my friends?  What can happen next, is what we need to watch for? For many of us, we quickly begin to feel a strong sense of anger followed by an urge to find blame.  Why did this happen?  Why wasn't it prevented? 

Why is it so common to go from painful emotions to anger to blame?  It might be because we are more willing to experience anger and direct our painful experiences to an external source, then to willingly experience painful emotions such as fear and sadness.  In the clinical world, we refer to this as experiential avoidance.  Experiential avoidance is our tendency to try to avoid experiencing negative psychological experiences, such as unpleasant emotions, thoughts, memories, urges, and physiological experiences.   Another way of saying this, is it might be easier to feel anger and to find an external source of that anger (a source to blame), then it is to remain in the present moment with our current painful state of emotions. 

The first step, is to recognize that you might be trying to avoid experiencing painful emotions.  Anytime you have a strong anger reaction, it is a good idea to consider the possibility that you may be feeling so much anger as an attempt to avoid experiencing your painful emotions. 

The next step, is to learn to experience your emotions as they are happening in the moment.  An easy way to practice this is to take a few minutes each day and focus on the present moment.  Close your eyes and notice what is going on in that moment.  Try not to change what you are experiencing. Just notice it as it happens. Start with your feet and work your way up to your head.  You might notice the feel of the cold floor on your feet, the aching muscle in your back, the urge to move and adjust your position, several thoughts (they might look something like, Why I am doing this?, I am doing this right? Oh no, I forgot to call my mom back).  When you notice thoughts occurring, acknowledge them as just that, thoughts.  One way to do this is to label them as such.  I am having the thought (fill-in-the-blank).  You can do the same thing with other experiences. I am having the emotion (fill-in-the-blank), I am having the urge to (fill-in-the-blank).  Notice all the physiological experiences that occur when you are experiencing different feelings.  You might notice your heart racing faster, tension behind your eyes as they swell with tears, a lump in your throat, your muscles tightening.  Again, try to just notice these things without changing them.  Being able to stay in the present moment takes practice, so don't expect to be an expert over night.  Continually practice and it will get easier with time. 

Why is it important to stay in the present moment with our experiences?  Many of our mistakes, bad behavior, cruel behavior, or hesitancy to do something good, happens because of our unwillingness to have unpleasant psychological experiences. If you take the time noticing what is going on in the moment, then you will be in a better place to make good decisions.  Your decisions will be less likely to be clouded with our human tendency to avoid painful emotions at all cost.  Your decisions will be based on your values and objective information.  Your response to negative emotions will be less likely to be filled with misguided anger and blame.

In the case of the recent Arizona tragedy, it may be that some politicians need to reassess their behavior and make some adjustments.  It may be, that we need to have better policies.  It is likely that there are several variables contributing to the tragedy.  Some that we may be able to identify and make appropriate adjustments, but others we may not be able to correctly identify or may be out of our control and we may not be able to make successful changes.  It is certain, though, that if these changes are made out of anger and blame, nobody will benefit.  Anger, blame, rude remarks, character assassinations, and other inappropriate behaviors, are only going to lead to more anger and violence.

It is reasonable to expect that human beings treat each other with respect and love.  It is reasonable to expect that we even treat those with opposing views with love, respect, and gentleness with our opposing messages.  It is possible for us to live with opposing views and still maintain dignity and respect for everyone.  Spending more time being mindful of your own experiences that occur in the moment can create a space for you to offer your opposing views in a respectful and gentle manner that does not create more hate.  It also creates a space where you can more clearly see what your position is without emotionally based biases and come up with solutions to problems that are more likely to be successful.  

Heidi Eilers, Ph.D., BCBA-D
Life Coach/Behavior Analyst
www.positivebehavioralsolutions.com